Sleepy Awakening

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Welcome to 26!

Four walls, greyish blue.

One year older—wiser, too.

Stubborn, uncertain, excited, confused.

Welcome to 26.

Every year, in the springtime, I am reborn.

Why am I here?

Thoughts flood my mind with each lap around the sun—

Questions for my soul,

for the politicians,

for the ghosts.

I forgive everyone who did me wrong.

I blame myself for my shortcomings.

I admire every stretch mark, mole, freckle, and patch of keratosis pilaris.

I laugh at my choices.

I sob for my shadow.

I smile at my growth.

I cry at the thought of losing the ones I love.

I wonder—

Is being away brave or idiotic?

Will I look back and regret this decision?

I think of all my versions—

Who I am, who I’ve been.

The people I’ve let go.

The ones I ache to hold close again.

Same smile.

Dancing body.

Loud passion.

Confident, yet careful.

Scared, yet brave.

One step. A sprint. A marathon. A fall.

Same playlist, different rotation.

A bigger capacity to love.

A deeper desire to understand—

Me.

The world.

Nothing matters.

Oh, but everything does.

Trying is the only way—

The main verb, the deepest motivation.

I know nothing.

I am guided by celestial wisdom

and the direction where wind blows.

Fairy whispers of dreams.

Ocean swimming.

Floating under the sun.

I am reborn—

To make mistakes,

To love hard,

To be unapologetically me.

No labels.

Burn the mask.

Brave, brave, brave girl.

Soft in nature, fiery in soul.

Fly away. Float away. Melt away.

In every life, every dimension, every galaxy—

To be found by you only,

I choose the life I live.

And I choose a brave and honest one

each time.

-e

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By Design

flower that spontaneously grew in my backyard ❤

By design, we want to be loved,

Accepted by others,

Received with high praises.

Some want to be the top of the class,

Others want to go by unnoticed, but with ease.

We all want to be loved —

By our caregiver,

A friend,

A lover,

And a force bigger than the universe.

We showcase our best moments:

Trophies, awards, lottery wins, and 5-star reviews.

Yet we hide the most human moments:

The shame, embarrassment, fear,

Insecurity, anger, and sadness.

The emotions that shake us like a tornado,

Grounding us to Mother Earth.

Such strong emotions —

We want to burn them, lock them,

Or let them consume us.

We forget where we came from.

We forget what we are made from.

And we let scriptures, songs, poems,

And standards written centuries ago

Define who we are and who we should be.

We forget that above all, there is love.

And if we need something stronger,

There is always gratitude —

Complicated yet simple.

Every day, I am reborn

With an opportunity to put one foot ahead of the other,

To hug the moments of shame

With respect and compassion.

And I am left to try again.

Nothing and no one guarantees tomorrow.

All is temporary.

I must ask myself,

What kind of person do I want to be today?

I find myself choosing the person

That never loses hope —

For others and for humanity,

But most importantly, for themselves.

One day, when my body decomposes

And my soul flies away,

I hope to play the movie of my life

Knowing the biggest spoiler of it all:

That it was always enough.

I was always enough.

No amount of currency, objects, or accolades

Compared to the feeling of loving myself

And being loved for who I am.

No amount of insults, mistakes, or regret

Can take away the moments of dancing,

Smiling, and hugging.

Only I can define who I am,

And that is a human being —

Made of and for Mother Nature.

❤ E

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adios 2024

The last book I read in 2024 was The Midnight Library, and it was the perfect book to close out the year. There’s a quote in the book that says:

“It is easy to mourn the lives we aren’t living. Easy to wish we’d developed other talents, said yes to different offers. Easy to wish we’d worked harder, loved better, handled our finances more astutely, been more popular, stayed in the band, gone to Australia, said yes to the coffee or done more bloody yoga.

It takes no effort to miss the friends we didn’t make, the work we didn’t do, the people we didn’t meet, and the people we didn’t marry and the children we didn’t have. It is not difficult to see yourself through the lens of other people, and to wish you were all the different kaleidoscopic versions of you they wanted you to be. It is easy to regret, and keep regretting, ad infinitum, until our time runs out.

But it is not the lives we regret not living that are the real problem. It is the regret itself. It’s the regret that makes us shrivel and wither and feel like our own and other people’s worst enemy.

We can’t tell if any of those other versions would have been better or worse. Those lives are happening, it is true, but you are happening as well, and that is the happening we have to focus on.”

This year, I feel like I lived 100 lives and constantly found myself wishing for small tweaks, dwelling on the tiny yet annoying “what ifs.” I was metaphorically slapped in the face and told to grow the f*** up by 2024 in the nicest way possible—just like the most real and honest of friends would do when you need it.

This year, I hope to continue being the brave version of me who says yes to scary things, who eases her anxiety with kind hugs and quick pep talks from loved ones, who loves people hard and free. Most of all, I’m inching a percentage closer to that infinitely long loading bar of caring less about what others think and living life for myself—the most authentic version of me today. Beware, that version might change tomorrow, and I might contradict myself, but that’s what makes me a perfectly imperfect human being.

Here’s to more much-needed kindness, kisses, laughs, and oat lattes.

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Overnight Success

The only overnight success I am witnessing lately are the overnight oats that I have been eating religiously.

I stumbled upon a TikTok the other day about the artist Chappell Roan and how it took her 10 years to become the success she is today. They particularly said something along the lines of, “That’s why she is more ready than ever to receive the success she currently has.” I don’t know much about her, but I do know from videos I have seen of her performing live that she exudes an inner confidence and stage presence that is truly mesmerizing and unlike many artists that are popular today.

This got me thinking: What if I am in year two of becoming an overnight success? Maybe I am in year eight, or maybe I’m at the pregame part where I haven’t even scratched the surface of what I can bring into this world. You know all those stories and statistics about famous artists and actors and how they didn’t reach the height of their success until a later age? Those stories are always so compelling because they make us humans feel less alone. You see this insanely successful figure, and for a second you dare to dream that you can also get there with patience and hard work. Now, I’m not saying it’s not true—it can totally happen. However, the feeling is hard to sustain when most social media platforms, books, and movies constantly feed us ideas of how we should be XYZ and impose a bunch of other insane expectations that come with being alive. Let alone if you are a woman, and much worse if you are a woman of color in the US, or a first-generation immigrant, or a single mom or dad. There’s always all this pressure to be at the top, and how fucking exhausted are we all?

This is part of the reason why I am so hard on myself, why I compare myself to others, and why I fear the future unless it looks a certain way. Enough, brain, give me a break.

For today, I will say this: I actually don’t care that much. Just for today, I will shout that what makes me the most successful version of myself to date is my ability to love. To love the flowers, to love my body, to love my insecurities, to love my shadow, to love my people, to love the stranger on the street who gave me a nice smile. That will be enough. Taking the time to recognize I exist on this floating rock that is rotating as we speak. To recognize I am trying my best. To recognize that I will never please everyone, so I might as well please myself. And the rest will be outside noise.

For today, I won’t wonder where I am in the timeline of utter success. I will just pretend that I am here. Because if life gets better and better, then that is a plus. And if it gets tough, well, good thing I am recognizing what makes me successful today. Part of me hopes, as I take it day by day, that we make a big deal about the little things as much as we do with the big things. Oh, you worked out for the first time this year? What an amazing accomplishment. You have been consistently taking care of your skin? Go off, queen/king. Let’s hold on to those moments because it is through those that we prove to ourselves how capable we are of taking care of ourselves first and loving ourselves through the simple, mundane things in life.

I’ll leave with a quote I read on the oracle card I pulled today: “What the caterpillar calls the end, the master calls the butterfly.”

Happy Sunday!

With love,

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“She want to move to California. She must’ve fucking lost her mind.” (Journal entry 5/1/24)

Hi,

I trust this note finds you well amidst life’s craziness. Today, I write to you (random reader but most likely someone that knows me, lol) from California, where a decision years in the making has brought about a wave of emotions and deep thoughts.

These past months and weeks have been a whirlwind, making it hard to wrap my head around everything at once. Amidst chaos, there’s a profound sense of realization that our deepest desires often manifest in unexpected ways. I have so much proof of this.

Let me attempt to translate what’s in my brain to this paper.

Where do I start? First, I’m deeply grateful for the love and support of those nearest to me. The belief in me and the desire for my happiness are making me feel like the richest person in the world.

In times of drastic change, it’s the bonds of humanity that resonate most strongly. The unity of all us as one becomes apparent, reminding us that, ultimately, it’s love and connection that truly matter.

Reflecting on this journey, I’m reminded of the importance of self-discovery and self-love. Regardless of others’ intentions, it’s only by knowing and LOVING ourselves that we can navigate life authentically.

While change may bring moments of discomfort, there’s a profound joy in embracing the growth. Each challenge, each obstacle, is an opportunity for newfound strength and resilience. And oh, how capable and powerful you are.

Uncertainty is a constant companion. Yet, in this moment, I’m filled with love – love for the person I’ve become, and love for the extraordinary souls who enrich my life.

I embarked on this new chapter, and I do so with an open heart and a readiness to embrace whatever lies ahead. For beyond our understanding lies a plan greater than our own, unfolding in divine timing.

Con mucho amor,

Emi

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Inmarcesible

Pareces una flor preservada, con colores vibrantes y fuera de este mundo. Viviendo en mis sueños y viajando frecuentemente a mi corazón. Todo para preguntarte ¿Por qué no fue suficiente?

Todo el mundo quiere enamorarse hasta que conocen algo bueno. Es ahí donde los miedos resaltan y la idea de amor cambia.

Afortunado aquel que sea elegido por la persona que ellos eligieron. No pasa mucho más que en libros y películas. Es ahí donde aprendí a quererte con muchas ansias.

Ansias que se han llegado a transformar en ansiedad. De pensar que un día estés aquí y al otro te irás. Que me digas que me quieres y que te burles por detrás. Que tu ego sea más grande que tus ganas de amar. Que tus miedos te persigan más allá de lo real.

Inmarcesible eres tú o la idea que me traigo. Te veré otra vez en un atardecer o un libro de filosofía. En persona ya te fuiste como siempre, con la última palabra y sin ganas de verme otra vez.

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journal entry 2/15/24

I love myself because I’m kind, smart, loyal, thoughtful, and human.

I love myself because despite life’s adversity, I try again and again.

I love myself because I give myself grace, compassion, and love. I try my best to, at least.

I love myself because I am love. I emit love. I’m made from love. I radiate love.

We are all one. No below. No above. We are all one. Made of gold and shadows. Souls and purpose. We are all one.

We deserve good things. We must be kind.

Life can be so magical if we let it be until our last breath.

We must dance, cry, and feel everything life has to offer or only what resonates.

We must learn to be better, to love unconditionally, to forgive others, and mainly to forgive ourselves.

The love you give comes from within. So how are you showing up for yourself? Are you prioritizing YOU?

When we stop seeking love from external validation and praises and learn to listen to our body, mind, and soul, and start nurturing ourselves, the magic unfolds. The right people show up, and the aligned opportunities come up.

And of course, suffering comes with love too. But remember, we are both gold and shadows.

That is our essence. And this life is the playing field to learn how to balance those and to understand what makes you, well, YOU. Because you are so special, and the world is dying to get to know you. So will you let it?

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journal entry 7/26/23

I’ve essentially obtained what I’ve yearned for the past few years. Some of it has appeared exactly as I envisioned, while some hasn’t, but it has turned out even better. How often do we desire more and more?

Years ago, you prayed for something you probably take for granted today. Maybe you don’t take it for granted, but you still spend most of your time thinking that now that you have that something, something else will come to fulfill your happiness. It’s a vicious cycle, and nothing is ever good enough.

I’m guilty of this as well. Adding social media to the equation makes it even worse. I’ve dedicated so much time to social media, wishing to be someone I’m not. Longing for a new career, a partner, and even a random house in the jungle.

I’ve seen remarkable yet irrelevant individuals share a one-minute glimpse of their lives, and I genuinely spend mere seconds wishing I were them. You know those thoughts of maybe if my job had more of this and less of that or if my body resembled theirs and looked less like mine. When is it all sufficient?

This isn’t to say we can’t be inspired by people or have aspirations. The issue arises when we believe that these things won’t bring more problems. The grass isn’t always greener, and even when it seems so from the other side, you’ll just gain clearer visibility of prettier grass.

I have this inner understanding that everything is unfolding as it should, so I primarily direct my energy inward. I ask myself, “What can I do more of that brings me joy?” and “Who can I spend quality time with that uplifts me?”

Because, realistically, what else do we have going for us other than today? The foolish illusion of the future and the past has me fed up. To be quite honest, I will never meet everyone’s expectations regarding who I’m supposed to be, what I’m supposed to say, and where I’m supposed to live. Even if I do, someone will always have something to say. And since I can’t please everyone, how about I choose to prioritize pleasing myself first? Chances are that being authentic will attract the right people and opportunities. I’m not interested in distractions that don’t resonate or align with that.

Anyway, being mindful when using social media has become crucial for my mental well-being. I’ve made a considerable effort to replace my phone screen time with my Kindle. They are baby steps, but I’m trying. In the end, we all keep trying, trying, trying.

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I Have Forgotten What You Look Like

I have forgotten what you look like,
But if I close my eyes long enough,
I can still feel your palm heat resting on my forehead
And your soft kisses on my temple
I can feel your breathing against my chest
As I hear our laughs playing like a record

I have forgotten what you look like,
Yet if I sleep long enough, I hear fractions of your voice
And see the colors of the sunset from the afternoon picnic in the Spring
Where we kissed under the trees and made promises we did not intend to keep

I have forgotten what you look like, Yet I still cure this open wound
Which once bled and now aches from time to time
While you rest under someone else’s grave to feel some company

I have forgotten what you look like,
Yet I still wish you all the best, and I praise all the mess
I hope you find yourself under the darkness your shadow
I left some candles lit up in case you would follow

I have forgotten what you look like,
I now realize it doesn’t matter
A faceless soul with broken bones
Once took over me, but now it is far gone
I’ll save your presence like it’s old town folklore as a reminder of my worth

– e

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To this little but mighty girl:

You have inspired me this year to attempt to wear my hair curly. We haven’t quite figured it out, but it has improved since we started working on it. Weirdly enough, even though I neglected the natural waves/curls for most of my life, I feel more like myself when I let my hair do its thing.

You have also challenged me this year big time in many different areas. For one, you love to dance and try new things, and although I have grown to enjoy that too, I have found myself being extremely critical of everything I do. Even while doing healthy things, such as going to therapy, I still wonder if I can optimize the healing process.

This year was different because we had a lot of monumental firsts. First college degree, my first big girl job, and my first summer off from school or work, I can’t forget my first heartbreak but also the first time I consciously and intentionally mapped out the year. I have been learning to say no to people and situations that no longer resonate with me. I’ve learned how lighter life can get when you have set boundaries with yourself and others. I’ve learned how valuable and painful it is to go through a rough time.

I’ve learned that my number one priority is to love, choose, and accept myself every morning. No matter how much I think, I suck or rock. I’m still showing up sometimes with an extra dose of encouragement and love—other times with the confidence of that young five-year-old who loved to perform dances for her whole family. I’ve embraced my main character energy to the fullest this year because, after all, it is my life, and I am in control (somewhat), and if I don’t do it for myself, no one else will. Through this compassion, I’ve shown myself I have learned to love others the way they are today. I often created these expectations based on potential or what I would do, and I’ve realized how incredibly selfish that can be. Everyone moves at their own pace. My only choice is how much or little space I want these people to take into my life. Here’s where boundaries have become extremely helpful.

I’m proud of you. Extremely. Utterly. You have committed to doing the work for no other than yourself, which takes a lot of courage. You have realized the external validation is just a bunch of noise that ultimately doesn’t make you feel full filled. What ignites your body, mind, and soul is as simple as acknowledging your emotions and loving them equally. The sadness, anger, and happiness. Understanding where they come from and nurturing them like the tiniest cutest baby penguins (that’s how I picture them in my head)

Plans for the new year involve some more surrendering and mindfulness to the everyday. Besides that, I feel everything will work out in perfect timing, just as 2022 has shown me.

I cannot end this any other way than just expressing my gratitude to every single soul that has crossed and continues to be a part of my life. Grateful for the health, support, love, rejection, tears, judgment, etc.

I’m grateful for little you; that keeps me company and inspires me to be authentic and unapologetically myself. That authenticity has attracted the kindest and most magical people and opportunities in my life. Because yes, you are pushing me to be better as I do the work, take life less seriously, and simply have fun. I am inspired by your adventurous, resilient, and brave qualities when in doubt.

Therefore, thank you, thank you, and thank you.

This life is nothing but a sea of growth opportunities. That is only if you decide to look at life that way. How refreshing that changing your perspective is always an option.

Happy new year!

With love,

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Journaling as a Tool to a Mindful Life

Before I obsessively try to convince you to start journaling every day, let’s talk about what journaling even means. I used to hear all about journaling, and it always made me feel extremely overwhelmed. What are you supposed to write? Is it like one of those “Dear Diary” situations? I have notebooks dating back to 2016, where I would attempt to write, but I realized I would mainly use them only when I was feeling sad. Journaling, for me, was one of those things that would always make me feel better about whatever emotion I was going through, but I still wouldn’t take the time to add it to my daily routine.

That was until I heard Jay Shetty’s podcast, where Liz Plosser, the editor-in-chief of Women’s Health, shared her tips on how to start a journaling practice. I recommend watching the whole episode, but in short, Liz shared that journaling also felt like another hectic task to add to her already busy life, so she approached journaling differently. She tells herself to write at least two sentences, and if she doesn’t have anything else to say, she leaves it at that. This idea completely changed my perspective on journaling.

I have been consistently(somewhat) journaling since November 2021, and adding this practice to my daily routine has improved my quality of life. It may sound dramatic, but it has. To decompress after a long day or to write about three things I am grateful for, journaling has served as my checking point to tune in with my thoughts, emotions, and overall well-being. Here I wanted to share some tips and tricks that have been extremely helpful in adapting this practice into my life.

Journaling 101

Daily Summary

Every day is different for me. I start by reflecting on the day, very much like a diary. I write about what I did, what I ate, and how I felt. I tend to journal right before bed, but I started journaling first thing in the morning and before going to sleep. I recommend sticking with a time you can commit to without overwhelming yourself. I always end my journal entries with what I am grateful for. The goal is to make this time about you and to write about whatever you feel like writing. It’s okay if some days nothing comes to mind and you write “Hi and Bye” the goal is to create a space for yourself to check-in. We are so used to living on auto-pilot and letting the days get by but tuning in to what’s going on inside is essential for our mental health; it’s a way to practice mindfulness and stay present.

Journal Prompts

Many journals come with prompts. These prompts can be helpful for beginners; that way, there’s daily guidance on what to write. One I recommend is The Five Minute Journal by Intelligent Change. There are also many free blogs and websites with journal prompts for different themes. Simply grab any notebook or paper and journal away.

Accountability

Just like any hobby, it’s okay to miss a day, a week, or even a month as long as you try again. The goal is not to add more stress o judgment into your life. There are a few things that I do to keep myself accountable. One of the most wholesome and effective ones for me is checking in with my friends. I started texting my friend a few emojis as a way to check in right after journaling. This technique not only reminds the other person to journal but also serves as a way to stay in touch with friends that live far away or whom I don’t see often. I recommend committing to this practice with your partner, friend, or sibling to help with accountability.

Another way to stay accountable is by setting up a reminder or an alarm. If you’re more on the techy side, maybe an app or website would work better for you. Here’s a website with some options that might help. https://zapier.com/blog/best-journaling-apps/

Final Thoughts

There is no right or wrong way to go about journaling. The purpose is to make this practice whatever your body needs at the time. It’s okay to write about sad and challenging times, but we also want to honor those happy or dull days. The biggest takeaway from this practice is that the healing journey is not linear. I’ve had a crazy year full of changes, and going back to entries from months ago has been therapeutic. I laugh or sometimes cry, but most of all, I feel empowered to see the growth and commitment.

I hope this inspires you to give journaling a try. I promise you will not regret it. If anyone is interested, here’s the link to my favorite journal notebooks.

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How Therapy Changed Me.

“The first step to healing is awareness.”
Nicole LePera

This month marks one year of going to therapy consistently, completely changing my life. My purpose behind sharing my experience is to highlight how therapy has been helpful for me. This is coming from someone who felt extremely scared to start and even had somewhat impostor syndrome when I finally started. Reflecting on the past year, I can say that it is not as scary as TV shows make it seem, and it has improved my quality of life significantly.

According to a study done by the CDC’s National Center of Health’s Statistics, one-fifth of U.S. adults in 2020 received mental health treatment within the past year. Marking a tick up from 2019 due to the COVID-19 pandemic [1]. Similarly, after receiving my narcolepsy diagnosis in December of 2019 and the isolation caused by the pandemic, I realized it was time to find a way to cope with my mental health issues.

I have always loved science and psychology, which is why I believed in therapy even though I had never tried it myself. I also had the wrong idea of what therapy is really like. I thought that I would walk into therapy and have my therapist ask me a series of questions that would bring to light all of my traumas and anxieties. Then they would give me a few sentences that would change my life moving forward. Turns out therapy is way more straightforward, and it is really what you make it.

The first few times I attended therapy, I spent most of the time talking about my life, like the places I’ve lived in, my family, and my narcolepsy diagnosis. I did most of the talking as my therapist just followed up with questions. It wasn’t until my fourth or fifth session that I started to really dig deeper within myself. I talked about my life, insecurities, happy moments, etc. Through these talks, I understood my emotions and, ultimately myself.

Through therapy, I realized that absolutely no one is immune to trauma. Many circumstances of my life that were normal to me, such as moving a lot growing up, have caused patterns and anxieties in my adult life. Getting my narcolepsy diagnosis completely changed my life, and I did not take the time to acknowledge it, which heightened my anxiety and even caused me depression. Talking to a professional about the hardship of having an invisible illness while also being a young adult trying to figure out life allowed me to express my emotions, sometimes through tears and others through laughter. It made me feel seen, and this is when I started to appreciate myself and prioritize my worth instead of giving in to the negative self-talk or repeating harmful experiences in my head.

It’s not like I am immune to mental health issues just by going to therapy, but I have gained coping skills. Skills such as prioritizing and scheduling in time in my day to practice self-love. Recognizing the negative voice inside my head and how to turn its narrative into something positive. Ways to stay grounded to ease emotional pain. It has also made me appreciate myself for putting in the work to keep growing as I get to know myself more and more.

I come from an upbringing that was filled with unconditional love and support. Therefore, the idea of sitting and talking about my childhood felt wrong since I would never want to “complain” since I know I have been fortunate to have the support system I have. Truth is, we all faced adversity at some point, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with reaching out for help. We could always compare our lives to others and think they have it better or worse, but that does not matter. What matters is validating our emotions, struggles, and victories and understanding that we all deserve to feel happy.

Therapy can be expensive, so I wanted to provide this link with different options: https://psychcentral.com/blog/what-to-do-when-you-cant-afford-therapy#no-cost-options.

References:

Terlizzi EP, Norris T. Mental health treatment among adults: United States, 2020. NCHS Data Brief, no 419. Hyattsville, MD: National Center for Health Statistics. 2021. DOI: https://dx.doi.org/10.15620/cdc:110593external icon.